During the first full UK pandemic lockdown in March, I was a bit down in the dumps and lacking in laughs. Then I heard about a new book which I HEARTILY RECOMMEND to all of you who need some merriment in these crazy times.

Put this on your Christmas wishlist and buy a copy for every man, woman and ape you know. Here’s a link that will take you straight to the Amazon page… I am sure all my neighbours wondered what I was laughing about for a couple of weeks in the wee small hours when all most of us could think about was toilet paper and how to get some.

You may not yet be familiar with the work of Jan Manthey but let me give you a little insider’s guide because I am in some of his films! Yes, me. The worst actress in the world! It was so much fun taking most of my clothes off and running around like a dolly bird in a 1970s bawdy sex comedy. I think everyone should try that at least once in their lifetime.

This is me playing a woman scarred by a bad plastic surgery job. I loved those shoes….

In this video I demonstrate a recipe for a mixed drink favoured by the mysterious Fred Karno,

plus you’ll see clips of some of my terrible performances. And of course, men in chimp suits, scantily clad women, boobs and bare bums! You have been warned, or hopefully, enticed.

https://youtu.be/YXE9dmcR4mY

I thought the scene where I was eating a pickled egg in the pub was my best bit.

You’ll find many of Jan’s unique creations on his YouTube channel and I was tickled to discover just now, that some of them are available via Amazon Prime too!

So here, my lovely readers, are recipes from Jan, the stars of his films and the mysterious Fred Karno. These won’t be found anywhere else folks, Jan promised!

Jan Manthey has been making films for 30 years or so. His work has been shown at festivals in the UK and Europe, and more recently has been racking up hundreds of thousands of views on YouTube. He has worked in many genres. There are the sci-fi/horror/monster flicks including Robot Gorilla Rampage, Mutant!, Cult of the Planet Of The Apes and Inspector Zucker Vs Gorgo. The tender, moving portrayal of a doomed teenage drug addict in Teenage Ecstasy. More recently he has produced a couple of classic sex comedies, Can You Keep It Up With This That And The Other For A Week? and The Adventures of a Plumber In Outer Space, the latter of which was in collaboration with the legendary Stanley Long. You can read all about Jan’s life as a zero budget film maker in the new book Apes, Eggs, Plumbers and a bit of Sauce – available now from Amazon.

Jan Manthey’s Sexy Spaghetti al Pepe

Here’s one of my favourite recipes that exudes sophistication and a bit of European mystery.

Ingredients:

Spaghetti

Butter

Ground black pepper

Italian hard cheese

A sprig of green herb (optional)

Cook spaghetti in water as you would normally do.

When cooked drain but reserve some of the water.

In a large pan melt the butter and when sizzling grind in a generous amount of pepper. Let the pepper sizzle for about a minute.

Add the spaghetti and cover in the butter and pepper. 

Add some of the water (how much you add depends on how much liquid you want in the finished product. It works well either end of the scale)

Add a couple of spoons of the cheese and when that is melted serve into pasta bowls.

Add another grind of pepper and a sprinkling of cheese.

Simple but delicious.

Fred Karno in the Executive Producer in Charge of Production of Kino Karno films. He lives somewhere in Mittel Europe and is very rarely seen in public. It is believed he is the true guiding force behind the films of Jan Manthey. 

My Karno like his drinks strong and hard.

Fred Karno’s Karno Klassic Martini Kocktail

Put one cube of ice in the shaker.

Add two large measures of quality gin.

Add a snifter of Vermouth.

Shake once and pour into a cocktail glass.

If you are feeling saucy add a drop of angostura bitters into the glass.

Simple, effective and deadly.

Ben Oates played the original incarnation of the mysterious Inspector Zucker in the 1995 shocker Mutant! Having previously starred in Cult of the Planet of the Apes, this was to be his last appearance in a Kino Karno production. Here Ben gives his recipe for a burger, bought from a van outside the Red Lion pub, that caused him to renounce years of veganism.

Ben Oates’ “Zucker Egg Burger” (from the early 90s)

Ingredients:
Soft white bap (NOT brioche), ideally from an economy range
Thin beef burger, again ideally from an economy range
Egg

Directions:
1. Become vegan years before it is fashionable.
2. Fry burger and egg.
3. Place burger and egg in bap. Ketchup optional.
4. Drink a lot of beer to enable veganism to lapse (nowadays this is referred to as ‘flexitarianism’)
5. Eat burger

Jonathan Cockerell had been a stalwart actor in the films of Jan Manthey. He gave a haunting portrayal of the drug frazzled student Clark in Teenage Ecstasy and a solid performance as Simon the Scientist in Inspector Zucker vs Gorgo. His finest moment though, came as the sex crazed Zookeeper in the seminal Can You Keep It Up With This That And The Other For A Week?

Jon is a man of simple tastes and needs, so he goes back to his student days for these classics.

Jon Cockerell’s  Teenage Ecstasy Student Special

A true student special this recipe got me through some hard times and is surprisingly tasty too

Can be chilled as required overnight

Ingredients

Tin of corned beef

Salad Cream

1 can of baked beans

Recipe

Open corned beef

Open beans

Mix both gently into medium sized bowl

Add salad cream to taste

Mixture should be mixed but not thoroughly, allow for corn beef chunks to be visible

Cock-Meister Keep It Up Cocktail

Not a strong drinker but want the fun of doing shots?

Jägermeister too powerful but you still want to appear cool?

Then this drink is for you!

Ingredients

Cocktail base is Red Bull served in a chilled glass

Add in the following to tailor your drink via a dropped in shot glass

Cock-Meister Classic                    Amaretto

Cock-Meister Red                          Campari

Cock-Meister Yellow                     Peach Schnapps

Cock-Meister Green                      Midori Melon Liqueur                                                   

Recipe 

Frosted glass to hold the Red Bull and just drop in your required choice to tailor.

Must be accompanied by a dance where you jig backwards and forwards and sing

“Cock-Meister, Cock-Meister, Cock-Meister ho!”

Mark Duqueno was the greatest ape ever in the films of Jan Manthey. He started his career by taking the title role in Robot Gorilla Rampage, a chilling tale of an animal experiment gone wrong. He swiftly followed this up with the title role in Cult Of The Planet Of The Apes, another haunting performance expertly portrayed whilst under the cover of a rubber ape mask. This was though to be his last time acting as ape, he felt it was time to give up as he feared being eternally type cast. Mark went on to be a great cameraman for later Kino Karno works.

Mark’s Robot Gorilla Surprise Pie ( the surprise is that there are no robots or gorillas in it)

For a consummate amateur like me who also never measures anything this is as simple as it gets. It can be for whatever’s left in the fridge, so it’s great for avoiding food waste and prepping a few meals in advance. Ideally using a protein like chicken, plus whatever veg is lying around. The process is very forgiving and you don’t need to be afraid of overcooking it. I’ve made this pie using chicken, turkey or pork but it makes sense that beef would work just as well although I’d probably use beef stock in that instance. Ingredients I’ve added in a single pie includes red cabbage, broccoli, peas, carrots, swedes, chestnuts, pork stuffing, parsnips, potatoes, bacon and the list goes on, so play with it as much as you want.

If you’re using leftovers from a previous meal they will obviously all be cooked. If not, you’ll need to cook most of the ingredients before hand, and the key to the finished pie is in the final simmer and making the gravy.

Do the root veg like parsnips or potatoes first. I usually parboil in a pan then roast in the oven with salt, garlic and rosemary to cook in the flavour, but they can just be boiled.

Dice the meat and brown it in a pan, then reduce the heat until it cooks through and the juice runs clear.

Cut the veg into manageable sizes. Parboil hard veg like carrots or broccoli for about 6-7 minutes. Cabbage can be softened for a few minutes.

Strain the veg and add the meat and potatoes together with about a tablespoon of cornflour and stir together thoroughly.

Add vegetable stock.

Bring the whole thing to a boil then simmer until the veg is softened and the colour of the liquid has come up golden.

Strain off the liquid into a pan. Put everything else into an oven dish and top with a sheet of puff pastry. Cook in the oven at about 180oC for roughly 15 minutes or until the pastry is golden.

While the pie is in the oven, prepare the gravy by reducing the liquid to your favoured consistency and season to taste.

Vic Pratt is the star of Kino Karno productions. Never before has one actor had to undergo so many humiliations in the name of film. Vic’s big break came with his moving portrayal of the doomed Victor Vincent in Teenage Ecstasy. He soon followed this with a big performance as the crazed villain Professor Shatner, in Inspector Zucker Vs Gorgo. He cemented his sex symbol status in the 2000’s with his sex obsessed turn as Robin Evans in Can You Keep It Up With This That And The Other For A Week? and The Adventures of a Plumber in Outer Space, both of which featured Vic in various states of undress.

Professor Shatner’s Luxury Liver Delight 

All healthy, sensible, modern fellows love liver. It’s a well-known fact. And I personally love liver so much, I never, ever, ever, eat anything else. Except, on very rare occasions, bargain buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken. But I don’t have the recipe for that, as it’s the Colonel’s special secret. So, instead, here’s how to cook liver. 

1. Buy a big packet of liver from a shop. It usually comes in lamb or pig – both are nice. 

2. Cut the liver up into handy sizes for your frying pan. Chop out any of those slightly creepy odd pipe-like bits that could get stuck in your teeth. You can throw them away, if you like. The bits, not your teeth, that is. 

3. Chuck a bit of flour in a bowl, then bung the now-trimmed bits of liver in there and give them a good dusting. 

4. Whack the liver in a frying pan, to cook in some good hotted-up olive oil. 

5. Fry it up until the outsides are frazzed nicely and you can stick a knife in the bits and the middles of the bits are a bit red, but not too red. 

6. Chuck some onions in as well and fry them up with it. You can fry up the onion bits in a separate pan first if you like, till they go a bit straggly, then bung them in with the liver a few minutes before it’s ready. 

7. Keep on frying the whole mess up for a few minutes more until it’s all sticky and delicious. 

8. Serve with mashed potatoes, garden peas and gravy, and some mustard. 

Any leftover bits are splendid cold the next day in a sandwich. Some people will tell you that this is an appalling idea. Don’t believe them! Others will tell you that liver is yukky full stop. Don’t believe them, either! Or do believe them, but keep on eating it anyway. Cheerio, chums!

Diana Manthey is the sultry sexy female star of the later Kino Karno productions. She started as Judy, girlfriend of the ineffectual Vince, who gets kidnapped by the evil Professor Shatner to be turned into a She-Ape in Inspector Zucker Vs Gorgo. Diana then portrayed two sex obsessed bored housewives in the naughty comedies of Jan Manthey. As Gloria McGurk in  Can You Keep It Up With This That And The Other For A Week? she lures window cleaner Robin Evans to her bedroom with a sizzling striptease, only to be interrupted by her husband who is just back from a stint in prison. In The Adventures of a Plumber In Outer Space she played the horny housewife Mrs Zucker who lures plumber Robin Evans into her bubbly bath, before beaming into space and exhausting a the aliens with her lust for nookie.

Mrs Zucker’s Horny Corn On The Cob

Take one (or two if you are hungry) large corn on the cob and put in the microwave in a covered dish with a drop of water for a couple of minutes. It should come out luscious and tender. Smother the throbbing, pulsating corn cobs with a couple of large knobs of salted butter. The procced to eat the creamy, salty, corny unctuous goodness.

There you go folks, EXCLUSIVE recipes just for you! I hope that you are intrigued by this post and you go off and watch some of Jan’s films and buy his book. We all need some belly laughs right now, and in fact always and forever!

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